blue revisited

"Still, i know, because of my own feelings, there was something wrong with me, and i knew it wasn't only me. i knew it was everybody. it was like a bacteria or a cancer or a trance. it wasn't on the skin; it was in the soul. it showed itself in loneliness, lust, anger, jealousy, and depression. it had people screwed up bad everywhere you went - at the store, at home, at church; it was ugly and deep. lots of singers on the radio were singing about it, and cops had jobs because of it. it was as if we were broken, i thought, as if we were never supposed to feel these sticky emotions. it was as if we were cracked, couldn't love right, couldn't feel good things for very long without screwing it all up. we were like gasoline engines running on diesel. I was just a kid, so i couldn't put word to it, but every kid feels it (i'm talking about the broken quality of life.) a kid will think there are monsters under his bed, or he will close himself in his room when his parents fight. from a very early age our souls are taught there is a comfort and a discomfort in the world, a good and bad if you will, a lovely and frightening. there seemed to me to be too much frightening, and i didn't know why it existed."

from blue like jazz by donald miller